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Dealing with a lonely life post 30-40


Submitted by Mambojambo Location: All India (All India, India)

After coming out of the traumatic period of taking immense marriage pressure, those few who still survive, for them a whole life is ahead which is uncertain and probably lonely.

Their friends cousins are now settled in their Instagram perfect life and we are not sure what exactly to look forward for.

How are you selected few dealing with this?

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Displaying 101 to 122 of 122 comments.
Previous comments: 1  2  3  
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Shivakarthikeya		Posted On Sep 6, 2022

Best way to fight is to marry a lesbian girl life will be easy
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Musafir11		Posted On Sep 6, 2022

No way I would never marry any girl!! Cant spoil innocent person life!!
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vishal_kumar		Posted On Sep 6, 2022

To each his own. Stopped judging long back
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Coolshanu420		Posted On Nov 1, 2022

Everyone has their own battles. More often than not, those who overly flaunt their fairytale life on social media with over the top enthusiasm spend hours on phone to do it, coz they dont have much to look forward to in real life.
Grass is always greener on the other side, for them u might be living a life which they always wanted.. u never know..

Stand by ur choices and look for opportunities/treats in what what u have chosen for urself and let others look for theirs. u cant lead their life, they cant lead urs
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Guy27bi		Posted On Dec 27, 2024

There are lot's of older mature bi or gay men who are lonely in their 40's in india.
Many are still looking for love in their 40's but it's difficult to find long term relationship in INDIA. Lots of cheating blackmail scams are targeted towards older mature men, who make easy targets in cities.

Some young guys are taking advantage of these older men by using them for just their money and abandon them once they find someone else better.

Please be aware of this , don't fall for these scams. It takes time to find genuine guys for long term relationship.
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Tstorm *		Posted On Dec 27, 2024

I am 26 years old guy, well educated, I am looking for a secret boyfriend, not into random hookups or any quick meetups!

I am looking for a old school love, preferably a mature guy , i had daddy issues thru my whole life and somehow I dont know why but I am attracted to mature men.

I am already disapppinted enough, Not done anything since last 6 years now, Hoping for a miracle to happen, to find someone who is actually looking for some intimacy and not a hole to ***!
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DecentBott36 *		Posted On Dec 27, 2024

I am looking for relationship
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twocentzzz *		Posted On Jan 14, 2025

I have decided to take my secret to the grave. Nobody knows who I really am. I am going to turn 40 in a few years.

I have successfully thwarted all attempts by my family to make me get married. Thankfully, they are not the emotional blackmail kind of people who will do anything to get me married. I am completely against getting married. Personally, I feel this is cheating and ruining someone's life, to each his own, however. So that is a 100 % concrete decision on my part that I made when I was 22. My parents are old and so am I. They are quite proud of me and they think I am some sort of genius (you know how Indian parents are). But I know, inside, they are sad that he's still not married. They want to become grandparents and they always talk about someone's son or daughter getting married and how many grandkids they have when a wedding invitation comes in the mail (not in a pinpointing way, but just in a way that is to say "I am happy for them"). They have to face questions from a lot of people when they attend family functions and they step up to defend me and my decision. I am happy about this, in that they are supportive parents.

I cannot come out to my family, coz I don't think they even understand what "gay" is. I mean it would be better if they were even homophobic, but they don't know what this is and don't engage about this when they see anything LGBTQ in the movies or shows. It's like it's something out there (and I bet they haven't even considered what if our son or brother was like that). So coming out to them is just out of the question. Who knows, they might probably end up accepting this after trying to understand. But I have decided not to put them through this misery. They are already growing old and this is not something that I want to put them through. I think as their son the only thing I can do for them aside from giving them the pain of not getting married is to not add the shocker that they have a gay son who will never get married. At least they are living in hope.

Am I lonely? That's a tricky question to answer. I am involved in a profession that encourages and lets other people grow. It gives me goals and helps me engage with the outside world and keep going. It helps me put a little bit of my work into someone else's growth story and success. Yes, there's a small part of me that says that I could have stayed abroad and lived a double life with no one knowing about my double life. But that didn't feel right to me either. So here I am. It's kind of weird to describe this feeling. It's not self-pity, depression, sadness, or hopelessness. It's like a butterfly who's chosen to stay in its cocoon continuing as a caterpillar. A sort of dull heartache that doesn't pain because it exists to remind me to take care of my family and the people I am helping in my profession. Are there days when I am sad about this or cry? Ngl, yes! But it's not that bad, those are rare (say about once in 3 months). I feel those days are important for me to cry, get it out of my system, and get on with life.

I will be deleting this profile by the end of this month. And I have never said these things to anyone, anywhere out there except in my head. So there. I have put it down, somewhere in writing. And it feels like a teeny tiny weight lifted off. If you are here, thank you for reading till here!
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Cryptic		Posted On Jan 14, 2025

@twocentzz, hang in there. It gets better, buddy. I will turn 50 later this year. Not getting married is a call I took pretty early, and stood my guard and dug in my heels when it came to that. I have lived half of my life on my own, without flatmates and without family. Not been able to form stable relationships, and I don't know if that is a character trait. Other gay couples I know are in open relationship so I think monogamy is really not a thing. With straight couples, guess monogamy comes from not having chances to philander. Professional sucess and hobbies are the best antidote. Don't do drugs and practice safe ***.
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botom0		Posted On Jan 14, 2025

Iam looking for relationship
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Prague1980		Posted On Jan 15, 2025

@twocentzzz, you are a brave heart, sensitive and caring too.
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Constantlovable *		Posted On Jan 15, 2025

@twocentzzz you’re really very strong, accepting the fact and very well knowing what the truth is you’re head strong. As an other persons POV it feels soo heartbreaking to read such events but one who is actually feeling it deserves a hug all the time. I hope you stay this strong ahead to and to what you’ve experienced be it loneliness/self-depreciation/depression, I really hope your further path blooms with exciting turns. Don’t lose, stay strong Hero.
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vasanth009 *		Posted On Jan 15, 2025

Quite difficult for one being lonely irrespective of gender and age! Looking for someone for relationship or for friendship here , however, it is so difficult here too!
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Arnab999		Posted On Jan 15, 2025

I am 26 Bot, living and working as a IT guy in pune. I believe not everyone have love in their fate and I knew it very often.

I am average'ish , how much I go to gym I cannot become good looking with my 6 packs. I know even good looking gay men remain single and don't get anyone so I don't think a average looking guy like me have any change at all. Only 1% of them are able to find somebody and get married and rest are bound to live a different journey (not that a bad thing). The sooner I accepted it, i felt more liberated.

I could have gone to a open relationship or marry some gay friend but I know we both don't love each other and even if we do get together out of desperation of relationship, it will later turn to open relationship or cheating which I don't want. I don't like to have open relationship in my life due to which i don't go ahead when I feel the person is just not into me romantically. And I am fine being "single and happy" than being in a relationship and miserable (sorry can't share my food, forget my man).

So it's okay, not everyone is meant to find a soulmate. Maybe you can find a gay roomate for you 30s and 40s if u feel lonely (whatever works for you ). You can take risk in your career, do business, explore other things in life as you are not bound by family so think of it as a good thing as not many have this privilege.

If you find somebody, good for you. If you, even better 😄
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Arnab999		Posted On Jan 15, 2025

If not*, even better
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DelhiVisitor999		Posted On Jan 15, 2025

@twocentzzz @arnab999
I knew I was attracted to men since my early teens. During my 20s I realized that I might not be able to live a true life in India. I found a job that took me to US, which was going thru its own turmoil about gay rights.
It took me ten years to become a US citizen. I had two very short term relationships will I found my husband. Now we have been together for over 20years and legally married 11. My mom and sister still feel shame but I couldn’t sacrifice my happiness just to please others because if I am not happy, I cannot make others happy.

All rights go back and forth. That struggle is continuous. Whether it is for against discrimination based on race, economic class, sexuality or gender. You clearly see all the four fights clearly in US history and it is still going on. Bush on re-election in 2004 by election inning a very anti gay marriage campaign and many states banned gay marriage in their constitution. But by 2012, gay marriage became legal in US and it is now legal in three Asian countries. Under Trump, we might go back a bit. And there was a major hoopla against trans and DEI that led to Trump victory.

Mahatma Gandhi also faced race discrimination. We are all taught in school that he was pushed out of a first class compartment in South Africa which led to the movement for South Asian rights in the 1910s. And then it took another 80 years and a Nelson Mandela for apartheid to end.

Now we all can’t be Mahatma Gandhi or Nelson Mandela. But the best way to fight for our rights is to come out and let the people know that we exist and we deserve the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. People disparage something that they get don’t know and understand. But once people in US came out in mass, their family and friends realized that we are their sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, parents or friends or office colleagues. That we are human beings and have the right to pursue happiness.

If you don’t come out to your parents, won’t they feel that you did not trust them to be open about yourself? How will you feel if they passed and you never told them who you really were? Now no one can promise their reactions, but if you speak from your heart and be vulnerable, it is. A strong possibility that they will love you anyway.

The more people come out, our existence cannot be denied. And therefore our rights cannot be denied.
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DelhiVisitor999		Posted On Jan 15, 2025

I also highly recommend participating in all gay right events and pride parades. The bigger the protests get, the more we are seen. I have gone to pride parades in Sydney, Vancouver, New York City, also Angeles and Seattle and many other small cities. I have participated in prides in Minneapolis, Seattle and Vancouver, BC.

My husband and I participated in the world
Pride March in Sydney in 2023 and have booked our flights and hotels to watch pride in Washington DC as well as participate in the World Pride March in 2025 in Washington DC this year. Both of those will become protest marches against Trump.

So, please come out and be proud. Find gay support organizations in your city or region and meet other activists. Participate in protests and fight for our rights. LGBTQIA+ form almost 8-10% of the entire population if we all come out. And then add parents and friends who might end up supporting us as PFLAG does in US. And that is a big enough proportion that if we are loud and we are proud, we cannot be ignored.

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DelhiVisitor999		Posted On Jan 15, 2025

And not to mention the LGBTQIA+ organizations will give you support and not let us feel lonely. So
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twocentzzz *		Posted On Jan 16, 2025

Hello everybody!

Thank you to all those who replied and the many many many more who messaged me saying they felt connected, understood, or wanted to know more. I'll talk about a few of those things so my inbox is not flooded.

Some were curious to know my profession. It's counseling and mentoring.

There were questions about the part where "I could have stayed abroad.." and why I didn't continue to live there. I am a permanent resident of Canada and lived there for about 15 years. I went there to study and then found a job. Eventually, I wanted to return to India to be there for my parents in their old age. For the why part, yes Canada is probably the friendliest LGBTQ country and I could have done anything over there. But I was young and was hung up over this straight guy so I didn't do much (like nothing). Everybody is different. I am a complete introvert and don't talk much. I have been in love twice, both with straight guys and that's pretty much how I realized I was gay. I am more of a homoromantic person than a homoerotic person. I like holding hands, cuddling, kissing, taking care and things like that. Not too much into the hardcore stuff and it doesn't get the #1 priority in my relationship. What I 'sometimes' miss is 'the being for someone special' part. For me, being there for my parents is the priority over anything else. So moving back to India means, not having the benefits of living in an accepting country like Canada.

So why whine here you may ask? Well, I just wanted to put this out somewhere because it's been with me all these years. Also no matter whatever decision I would have taken, living back in Canada or coming back to India, I think I wouldn't have been 100 % happy. If I had been in Canada and had come out to my family, I wouldn't be happy that I am not there with them as they grow old. For me, the decision was based on what kind of unhappiness I would want to live with. To be unhappy about not being there for aging parents or unhappy about not finding that hand to hold on to. For me, the answer was fairly simple, I didn't want to regret not being there for my parents after they were gone. That's something that I wouldn't be able to live with ever.

For those who asked why wouldn't you come out to the family? I think they will accept me and love me. I don't think they are homophobic because they haven't grappled with this idea or have the understanding of it because for them this is not a relevant issue. The decision to not come out is completely mine since I don't think that will make any difference to their life or my life knowing this at this point in their life. It will probably make them sadder that I might have a difficult life or that I wouldn't ever marry. I think they are too old to take all this. Also being gay is a part of my identity. This is not my only identity and so not having to deal with it is completely fine by me. Is this the ideal situation? No. Is this the best solution for me? Yes.

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kingofdesire56 *		Posted On Jan 17, 2025

@twocentzzz,

I read your post and it's amazing how you've lived your life. Would love to connect if you're interested. I would love to talk more and connect with someone who's mature enough to hold a conversation.
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red_rat		Posted On Jan 17, 2025

I am 41. Gay top completly single. In my late 20's to early 30's I was completely into hookup. I am polygamy and don't like to intimate one person in multiple time. But late 30's my aggressiveness towards *** reduced by age and and engaged into relationship but some how I know I couldn't be loyal to someone and can't report all day to a same person. I confess to him and came out from the relationship Now I am 41. Completely single. Engaging myself into my proffesion so that my mind didn't get *** frequently. I do excercise as my hobby.And finnally I trust on god with a faith "aall is well"
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kingofdesire56 *		Posted On Jan 18, 2025

After 35 you start realising that you can't be hoe-ing around. You can't like say "I can't be binded to one person and I can't stay committed". You will rather want one partner completely than try to search for multiple partners.
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